


Used Car Lot Guy

by narwhalpuppy



Category: Family Guy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 13:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8163506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narwhalpuppy/pseuds/narwhalpuppy
Summary: Peter Griffin inadvertently drinks an elixir Stewie invented to make people immune to lasers.  Afterwards, Peter gets a job as a used car lot mascot.  Brian warns Lois who is proud not to believe Peter will keep the job for too long.  Out for blood, Stewie wants to get back at Peter for drinking his elixir.  Everything turns into a hostage situation when Brian and Stewie start a hideous rumor that Peter is having an affair with Quagmire's girlfriend.





	

Family Guy Presents:

 

A Narwhal Puppy Production

 

Used Car Lot Guy

 

Quahog Rhode Island. City of progress. On television in this New England town today is 'Double Feature Week'. In a yellow house on Spooner Street where the Griffin Family resided, they were doing their usual routine. Peter, Lois, and Brian were in the living room watching whatever it was that was showing. Brian had a baby monitor next to him to hear Stewie. 

A TV Announcer says, "Up next on Lifetime. See Jaclyn Smith, former Charlie's Angels star in an all new TV movie, 'Innocent Woman Goes to Prison For a Crime She Didn't Commit' in the meanwhile, her elementary school aged daughter gets beat up by every boy in her school. After that, be sure to watch our all new TV movie, 'She's Too Old' about a high school freshman girl who's not interested in sex, drugs, dating, or partying and wants to remain a kid." 

"All of that sounds like utter garbage, change the channel". demaded Lois. "It's Double Feature Week, we'll find something". said Peter. "Let's put on Cartoon Network". said Peter again. "You mean the all Steven Universe Channel That show is complete shit"! said Brian sarcastically. Peter switches the channel over to Cartoon Network. A TV announcer says again, "Today on Cartoon Network, watch another Looney Tunes rehash! Be sure not to miss the 'Sylvester and Speedy Gonzalez Show'. Followed by an all new Disney cartoon, 'Mickey Mouse Zygotes!'" Peter groaned in frustration. "We'll never find anything good to watch." The TV began to fizzle and it has Peter and Lois alarmed. The TV started to catch on fire. "Peter! The TV! We're having an electrical fire!" warned Brian. 

"Stand back, I'll handle this!" said Peter as he ran out of the room. Peter then comes back with a fire extingisher and does a flip and shouts, "HA HA!" then aims it at the TV without looking at the TV and puts out the fire. "Wow! Peter! You looked very sexy with that!" said Lois. "You usually have a knack for causing disasters, not stopping them!" said Brian. "I'm always been good at fixing things, Brian! Like that time I was on the Bob Vila show".

Cutaway Gag.

Bob Vila is shown at a kitchen sink. "And that is how you fix your own plumbing system. Now we go over to Peter Griffin who's going to teach us how to fix a furance. Peter." Scene cuts over to Peter who was in a living room with a furance. "Thank you, Bob." said Peter. "Today I am going to show you how to fix your own furance." explained Peter as he gets some two wires and tries to put them together. "You take this wire right here. Then you take this one, and put them together and......" before Peter could finish, he connected the two wires together and received an electrical shock and had sparks fly at him. Peter screamed, "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! SON OF BITCH!" Peter's skin was all brown and had scrapes all over him, "Back to you, Bob." moaned Peter weakly. 

End of cutaway.

Back in the living room, Stewie was summoning Brian from his baby monitor. "Brian! Brian! I just inventing something very amazing! And I want you to see it!" yelled Stewie. "Brian, go mind Stewie." said Lois. "I'm on it!" said Brian as he walked up to Stewie's bedroom. Much to his surprise, he sees Stewie with a canister full of blue glowing liquid. "What the hell is that stuff, Stewie? Did you invent some kind of new Dr. Pepper or something?" said Brian. "No, I have better things to do than waste my time inventing some trendy soda that will only attract millennials." said Stewie. "What's the blue glowing stuff for?" asked Brian. "This is an elixir I am going to injest someday to make me immune to lasers!" said Stewie. "Why the hell would you want to be immune to lasers for?" asked Brian. "This is for my future plans of world domination, Brian, and to kill Lois of course. People will try to take me down and overthrow me, and in the future, laser guns will be of use. So I want to be prepared. Shall call it, Laser Immunity Elixir!" said Stewie. "That sounds totally beeped up! " said Brian. "I need to put this somewhere safe, somewhere that my enemies will never find it". said Stewie. "What do you mean by enemies?" You don't have any enemies!" said Brian. "I do so, Lois, The Fatman, Meg, Chris......" answered Stewie. "You're on your own there, pal! I'm not helping you with this crazy scheme or yours." said Brian. "All right, then! Fine! I'll find a place, myself. Who needs you, anyway?" said Stewie as he put the Laser Immunity Elixir behind his plush Octopus. Stewie calls out to Brian, "Was hoping you'd stick around. I was going to make you watch Mickey Mouse Zygotes!" 

 

* 

 

The day after, Lois is going to get groceries. "Peter, I'm going to get some groceries. Clean Stewie's room for me while I'm gone". said Lois. Peter was texting Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire on his iphone and didn't pay attention to what Lois said. "Peter, are you listening to me? Go clean Stewie's room". shouted Lois. "Yes, I heard you! I'll go clean Stewie's room!" shouted Peter back. "How dare you talk back at me, just for that, you're going to clean Meg's room, too! Goodbye!" said Lois as he walked out the door. "Always gotta be stuck doing everything around here! Just like the time when me, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire were all stuck in Oddworld Abe's Oddysee! 

 

Cutaway Gag.

It shows Peter walking around along in Oddworld, then he sees Joe. Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire all looked like the Oddworld characters. "Hello" said Peter. "Hello" said Joe. "Follow me!" said Peter. "Okay" said Joe. They go into a boiler room and see Cleveland. "Hello" said Peter. "Hello" said Joe. "Hey y'all!" said Cleveland. "Follow me!" said Peter. "OKay". said Cleveland. They go into a room with a conveyor belt and see Quagmire on it being taunted by an evil warlord. "HHHEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!" screamed Quagmire. 

 

End of cutaway. 

 

Much to his dismay, Peter was cleaning Stewie's bedroom. Stupid Lois! Always making me doing this shit! Makes me so pissed! Why did I have to clean Meg's room?!" mumbled Peter. "I'll make the most of this!" said Peter. He goes up to Stewie's Octopus and puts his finger in it's mouth, "Brush, brush brush! Brush brush brush!" laughed Peter. "Loved that in Pee Wee's Big Adventure." Peter accidently trips and the Octopus falls and he sees Stewie's Laser Immunity Elixir and his curiously skyrockets. "What kind of Holy Freakin' Sweet thing is this!?" asked Peter. "Coolest thing ever! This must be some kind of alcohol!" said Peter. "Can't wait to show it to the Drunken Clam!" Stewie was outside in a tree as he was spying on Peter. "Blast! I can't let the fat man get a hold of that! Must hire some goons!" said Stewie who gets his cellphone and makes a call. 

Later on, the doorbell rings. Peter goes to answer it. "I'll get it!" At the door was Tom Tucker, Ollie Williams, and Adam West. "What can I do for you guys?" asked Peter. "I'm Tom Tucker from Channel Five News. Our top story tonight is we need to keep Peter away from some elixir!" said Tom Tucker. "Whatever could you be talking about!?" asked Peter. "Glowing Blue Stuff!" shouted Ollie. "You mean that awesome cool alcohol I found!? Wanted that for myself and my friends!" said Peter all concerened. "That's right! It's really elixir! For we are elixir inspectors!" said Adam West. Stewie was watching the whole thing, Brian was beside him. 

Tom Tucker, Ollie Williams, and Adam West show themselves in to find the Laser Immunity elixir. "Who sent you! I won't let you take away my blue alcohol!" said Peter as he followed them. "We don't reveal our sources." said Tom Tucker. "Anonymous Tip!" shouted Ollie. "We're elixir inspectors!" said Adam West repeating himself. "You just said that, Adam!" said Tom Tucker as they were searching for the elixir. Peter had it on the kitchen table as they were all headed in that direction. ''I know who sent you! It was Meg, wasn't it!? Meg's behind this! I know it! Bitch ruined my life since day one!" said Peter. Tom Tucker sees the elixir as Ollie Williams exclaims, "We found it!" Tom Tucker grabs it before Peter could. 

"No! Give it back! I was going to show it to my friends so we can get rip roaring drunk with it!" said Peter. "Yes! Elixir inspectors win!" said Adam West. "We don't need to be reminded every five seconds we're elixir inspectors! Drop that already! It's getting old!" said Tom Tucker. "All right". said Adam West dejectedly. Peter comes with a gun and aims it at Tom Tucker, Adam West, and Ollie Williams. "We better give in!" shouted Ollie Williams. "Don't kill us, always known you were insane, Peter, but not like this!" said Tom Tucker. "One phony move and I'll blow your dicks off! I mean it!" shouted Peter. "Stay away from my alcohol!" 

"Okay, we'll do what you want." said Adam West. "Just don't kill us!" said Tom Tucker. "This is what I want you to do! Hand over that alcohol..." advised Peter. Tom Tucker reluctantly hands Peter the elixir. "My alcohol means the whole world to me! Even more than my family! Now, you guys are going to go downstairs, play some poker, and watch me do karaoke! Afterwards, we will never speak of this again!" said Peter. "Anyone up for poker, guys!?" said Tom Tucker call terrified. Moments later, Tom Tucker, Ollie Williams, and Adam West were all in the basement playing poker with Peter doing karaoke. The songs Peter was singing were, "Second Song" by TV on The Radio and "Afraid" by The Neighbourhood. Brian and Stewie saw the whole thing. 

"Sorry Peter got a hold of your laser immunity elixir, Stewie!" said Brian. "We will get it back somehow!" assured Brian, but Stewie wasn't hearing any of it. "DAMMIT!!!! We evildoers can NEVER get any good help these days, Brian! They're all bumbling retards!!" screamed Stewie. "I agree! Those hired goons were almost as moronic as Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were when they were forced to reenact that Care Bears Generation commercial.

 

Cutaway Gag:

An evil looking director and producer has a gun and knife on Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire who were all wearing Care Bears shirts and shorts. "Okay, we're going to do this one more time." said the director. "Care Bears Generation clothes commercial, Take 5....lights, camera......action!" Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were all dancing, sobbing, and singing. "We're the Care Bears Generation, check out our cool clothes! Our shirt and shorts are.......(sobbing)". They all stopped and cried. "KEEP GOING!" yelled the director and producer at Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire.

 

End of Cutaway

 

* 

 

Momentarily after the fiasco with Tom Tucker, Ollie Williams, and Adam West, Peter was at the Drunken Clam to show off the new blue elixir which he believes is a new kind of alcohol. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were there, too. Quagmire was dressed as Billy Bob Thornton in Monsters Ball and he had a girlfriend with him named Patricia who was dressed as the prostitute in that movie. "Woah, Peter! That is a cool glowing blue liquid you got there!" complemented Joe then he turns to Quagmire, "Why are you dressed like that?" "Oh, this! My girlfriend Patricia and I are doing a sexy roleplay! We're doing a Monster's Ball theme." said Quagmire who then turns to Peter. "That wouldn't happen to be a aphrodesiac, would it?" asked Quagmire. 

"Gentlemen, this is a alcohol I discovered today. Found it in Stewie's room for some reason! Lois must have some kind of secret stash! But who cares! I plan to get wasted with this! Who's with me!" said Peter. "I'm in! But, I don't think Jerome would let us bring our own alcohol though." said Joe. "Don't see him around, so let's get drunk with this! I hereby declare this BYOA! Bring Your Own Alcohol! Giggity Giggity!" said Quagmire. "If I didn't know any better, that almost looks like something that you make you immune to bullets. Perhaps I could have some to protect myself if a cop ever shoots me." said Cleveland. "You're right, Cleveland. That does look similar to something a superhero would drink for immunity or powers." said Joe. "Who wants to go first!" said Peter. "You're the one who discovered it, so you should." said Cleveland. "I'll bet you could get the ultimate drunk with it!" said Quagmire. 

"Only one way to find out!" said Peter as he proceeded to drink the blue Laser Immunity elixir. Peter goes to drink it, and likes it despite the awful taste. "How was it?" asked Joe. "Yum!" exclaimed Peter. "Drink a little more." encouraged Cleveland. Peter did as he was advised and drank a little more. Instead of getting inebriated like he wanted, Peter suddenly stopped when he began to notice that his skin was turning a glowing blue. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire look at him with concern. Even Patricia was worried. "Holy crap! What's going on with me! I'm turning blue! SON OF A BITCH! " screamed Peter. "Could be worse, at least he's not growing squid tentacles", joked Cleveland. "HHHEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!! HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPP!!! I'M ALL BLUE AND GLOWY!" screamed Peter. "Don't despair! We'll get you to the hospital!" said Joe. "We'll see Dr. Hartman, he'll know what to do." said Quagmire. "This was a mistake! Biggest error of judgement in my life! Just like the time when I shot Richard Simmons with a sling shot." screamed Peter. 

 

Cutaway Gag:

 

Peter was walking through a field with a sling shot looking crestfallen. Peter didn't know it was a commercial set he was walking though. "Have a cool sling shot here and I have nothing to shoot it with. Wish there was something I can shoot with my cool sling shot." said Peter. "Guess I'll find nothing." In a distance, Peter saw a man flying on a balloon "Guess I'm in luck!" said Peter as he ran to the man flying on the balloon. Little did Peter know, the man on the balloon was Richard Simmons. "IIIII'MMMMM FFFFFLLLLLLYYYYYYIIIIINNNNNGGGG" screamed Richard Simmons as he was flying on the balloon. "Awesome! Found my target" said Peter as he went ahead and shot his sling shot at Richard Simmons's balloon. The balloon popped and Richard Simmons began to fall, "IIIIIIII'MMMMM FFFFFFAAAAAALLLLLLLLLIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG"! Richard Simmons fell to the ground, Peter was pleased with what he did. Then a producer came up to him to give him a tongue lashing. "You dumbass! We were recording a commercial for Sweating To The Oldies! Just for that, you're going on Deal A Meal, Fat Ass!" "Oops! Did not think that one, though." said Peter.

 

End of Cutaway.

 

Joe, Cleveland, Patricia, Quagmire, and Peter were now all in the hospital waiting room. "Don't worry, Peter. We'll get someone to stop the glowing." assured Joe. "I hope so. I look like a genetically altered Captain America." said Peter. "Wonder what's taking Dr. Hartman so long, he usually comes faster in an event of an emergency." said Quagmire. As they were waiting, they were apporached by a tall blond man with a sports coat, and khaki pants. "You don't need a doctor, what you need is a new job." said the man. The man was a Used Car Salesman. His name was Connor Wilcox. "What do you mean a new job? He don't need a new job. This man accidently drank something toxic and needs help. " asked Cleveland. "I'm a Used Car Salesman and I am looking for a mascot to boost my sales. Connor Wilcox is my name." he introduced himself. " Never seen you before. Must sell lemons and probably desperate that you need a mascot to boost your sales. What Used Car Lot do you work at?" asked Quagmire. "It's called Spiffy Cars and I want that glowing blue man to be my new mascot!" said Connor. "To hell with the hospital!" said Peter as he jumped up at the opportunity. "Sir, you just found yourself a new mascot! I'll be happy to come work for you! Where do I sign!" exclaimed Peter. "Didn't think it would happen so soon, report to Spiffy Cars tomorrow morning at 10 am sharp!" said Connor. Peter couldn't be more prouder to have found a new job as a Used Car Lot Mascot. "Come on guys, we don't need the hospital anymore! Let's go to the mall and get some (girlish voice) girly makeovers to celebrate my new job!" said Peter as him and his friends were walking out of the hospital to go to the mall.

 

* 

 

The next day at the Griffin house, Peter who was still all blue and glowy, comes home from his new job as the Spiffy Cars Mascot. Lois and Brian were both sitting on the couch waiting his arrival. "Peter! I am so proud of this new job you have!" said Lois. "All I did was drink something that turned me blue and glowy and now I'm a local freakin' celebrity! Making so much money with this! Best thing in the world that has ever happened to me!" said Peter. Brian was not impressed. "How is your job my hot sexy blue husband? Perhaps when we have sex later, I can pretend you're a blueberry! And I can be crust in a pie!" said Lois. Peter growled seductively then laughed at the idea. "I even did a commercial, want to see it!" asked Peter. "Sure!" chirped Lois. Peter turned on the TV and his commercial for Spiffy Cars was on. Peter was singing to the tune of I Feel Good by James Brown. "YEAH!! I SELL VERY SPIFFY CARS! DE DE DE DE DE DE DE! THEY'RE USED BUT THEY'RE GOOD NOW! DE DE DE DE DE DE DE! I SELL VERY SPIFFY CARS! DE DE DE DE DE DE DE! Then Connor comes along, "That's right! Come on down to Spiffy Cars in Quahog and I'll give you a deal and price that can make you say, Spiffy! Don't forget to see our mascot, Blue Man!" The commercial ends. "Welp, tomorrow, I'm going to make the doughnuts!! said Peter as we walked away all happy and ecstatic. 

Brian was not amused. Lois took notice. "What's your problem with this, Brian?" asked Lois. "Peter doesn't last very long with whatever job he has. Even the easy ones." said Brian. "Sure, Peter has a bad track record of not keeping a job, but this one is really working out for him for once." said Lois. "Peter will lose this one, too. Just like he eventually lost interest in that Bullets Over Broadway phase he went through." said Brian.

 

Cutaway Gag:

 

Lois walks into the kitchen to try to talk to Peter. "Peter, we need to talk about....." began Lois. Peter walks up to her and covers her mouth and says, "Don't Speak". "Peter, this is important!" protested Lois. "Don't Speak!" said Peter as he covered her mouth again. "Peter but..." Lois continued, "Don't Speak" Peter said again. "Peter!" said Lois. "Don't Speak" said Peter. This goes on 10 times over until Lois gets fed up and throws Peter over her shoulder. "Nobody tells me not to speak! I'll speak if I want!" screamed Lois at Peter. "Don't Speak!" said Peter weakly. 

 

End of cutaway.

 

"Just telling you, don't get your hopes up to high with this." said Brian. "What are you saying, Brian?" said Lois. "Peter will probably screw up big time or do the one thing that will get him fired, you wait and see. Never understood why you ever had so much faith in him in the first place." said Brian. "Reason is I love him! Someone's gotta believe in him! Wait! I'm sensing something here! You're envious of Peter's new job, aren't you!" said Lois who was now suspicious. "No, I am not". said Brian. "Yes you are, don't deny it, Brian Green Eyes!" said Lois. "I am not...." said Brian as he was trying to reason with Lois by showing her she is wrong. "If you're so jealous of Peter's new job, why don't you get off your lazy, drunken ass and find yourself one?" said Lois. "You're one to talk, all the jobs you've ever had you quit eventually, flight attendent, the grocery store, then it was the post office." struck Brian. "What is your job, Brian? Sitting around all day and writing crappy and shitty novels?" asked Lois then she laughed at the thought of Brian's novels being crap. "Give up on that, already! Your novels are such garbage." "Know what, I don't have to sit here and take this from you, I'm out!" said Brian as he walked out of the living room. Brian went outside to see Stewie crying his eyes out. 

 

"What's wrong, Stewie?" asked Brian. "The Fat Man ruined my chances at eternal inviciability, Brian! Everything I worked for down the toilet!" sobbed Stewie. "Yeah, I know. He's now a Used Car Mascot now, why Lois has faith in him for doing that is a mystery to me, knowing he'll lose it all later, somehow." said Brian. "I won't just kill Lois someday, Brian! I'm killing Peter, too!" said Stewie. "Nobody blames you one bit for that." said Brian. "If there was only some way to get back at him." said Stewie. "Maybe there is!" said Brian. "Will you help me, Brian? Will you help me get revenge on the Fat Man for drinking my Laser Immunity Elixir?" asked Stewie. "You bet I will. Heard Quagmire has a new girlfriend......." said Brian.

 

*

 

A week has gone by. At the enterance there was a sign that read "Spiffy Cars". There was a gas tank that filled the balloons that were being given away, balloons in every color, popcorn maker, soda machine, and rides that one would see at a county fair. Peter Griffin was thriving at his job as the Spiffy Cars mascot. People were gathering and flocking by the hundreds to take advantage of the low prices and to see Peter Griffin in action. "We also have free soda, popcorn, and rides for the kids!" said Peter to the couples with kids who were visiting Spiffy Cars. Herbert was none too happy to see Peter being all blue and glowy and offering stuff for kids. "Dammit! That should've been me!" boasted Herbert in disgust.

Patricia, Quagmire's girlfriend came to Spiffy Cars. She approaches Connor and Peter. "Welcome to Spiffy Cars, how can we accommodate you?" asked Connor. Across the street, Brian and Stewie were in an unknown house down the street at the corner, they both had a plan to get back at Peter for drinking Stewie's Laser Immunity Elixir. Brian had a camera ready as he and Stewie were going to wait for the right moment. Patricia came up to Peter, and Brian began to take pictures of Peter and Patricia. ".......and that should do it! Great!" said Brian as he got done taking pictures of Peter and Patricia. "Can't believe we're going through with this!" said Stewie. "Let's go home and use photoshop, and we can make it look like Peter is seducing Quagmire girlfriend!" said Brian. Stewie giggled gleefully and said, "We make an awesome evil team! Like Mickey and Mallory from Natural Born Killers!" 

 

Cutaway Gag:

 

A New Mexico diner is the setting. Brian and Stewie both break in and they were armed with guns. Brian was dressed as Mickey Knox, and Stewie was dressed as Mallory Knox. "Do you find us horny!" asked Stewie as Mallory to the people in the diner. "Anyone moves, we'll shoot the shit out of all of you!" screamed Brian as Mickey. A waiter in the diner asked, "Why are you doing this?" Stewie as Mallory answered, "I was raped by my father and I want to take it out on other people!" 

 

End of Cutaway.

 

By late afternoon, Brian was putting the finishing touches on the pictures he took of Peter and Patricia on Photoshop. "Almost done........just about........getting there andddd..........DONE! Perfect!" said Brian. "Took you long enough! Quagmire's home! Go on and show it to him!" demanded an impatient Stewie. "Going there right now as we speak, you're coming too!" said Brian. Stewie and Brian had taken the pictures and they see Quagmire come out of his house to check his mail. They approach Quagmire. 

"Hey, Quagmire! Beautiful day in the neighborhood, eh?" said Brian. "Weird thing to say for a dog who's supposed to be in adult years," insulted Quagmire. "Have you gone to Spiffy Cars lately?" asked Brian. "Know Peter is the new mascot there. My girlfriend Patricia went there earlier. Not that it's any of your business...." said Quagmire. "We have something to tell you you're not going to like." said Stewie. "Never liked anything you have to say, Brian! I even hate you, too Stewie! Wish Lois could've gotten an abortion with you!" said Quagmire. "That's the thing. Patricia was doing something rather unfaithful." said Brian. "WHAT? Unfaithful? I've always been unfaithful to women! Now woman has ever been like that to me!" Quagmire said in a shocked response. "We have evidence that indicates that Patricia is cheating on you with Peter Griffin!" said Stewie. "No, no no! I don't believe that for a minute!" said a doubtful Quagmire. "Don't believe us, see it for yourself!" said Stewie. Brian handed Quagmire the pictures that looked like Patricia and Peter were in a compromising position. Quagmire was growing madder and angrier by the minute! "Who does that son of a bitch think he is? Just because he drank some glowing blue liquid and became a mascot he thinks he can steal my girl! I'm going to do something about this!" said Quagmire as he ran back into his house. Brian and Stewie cheer at Quagmire's misfortune as they high five each other. "We got him! We got him good!" they both said. 

Quagmire digs deep into his closet and gets out a machine gun and some explosives. "How dare Peter seduces my girl! I haven't felt this betrayed since Edison the Elephant from The Great Space Coaster stole my glory when I was a volunteer fireman!" said Quagmire.

 

Cutaway Gag:

 

Quagmire and a bunch of other volunteer firefighters were running to a forest where there's a fire. "Come on people! We got a fire to stop and wives and girlfriends to screw later! Let's get to this!" ordered Quagmire. By the time they all get to the forest fire, they see an elephant with colored ears, a spring-sprong trunk, and a colorful blouse drinking from the water. Then Edison squirts the water he drank from his trunk and puts out the fire making a constant trumpet-sounding noise. "WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO!" Edison now put out the fire and turned to Quagmire and the firemen even flipping them the bird. "Sorry, bitches! I put out the fire first! Too late! LOSERS!!!!!" 

 

End of Cutaway

 

That afternoon, Lois surprises Peter with a party at Spiffy Cars. Tom Tucker, Adam West, Seamus, Chris, Meg, and everyone else in Quahog except Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland. Little did they know, Quagmire was there vandalizing the Spiffy Cars sign up front with spray paint changing it to look like it was saying, "Shitty Cars". Afterwards, Quagmire was even putting dynamite sticks all over the outside of the Spiffy Cars building. "One thing's for sure! If I had married Lois, Brian would be out in the streets, and Stewie would've never existed!" said Quagmire. Steaming mad at Brian and Stewie Quagmire was. Brian and Stewie were there at the party Lois was throwing to congratulate Peter on his new mascot job. "Oh, Peter! We are so proud of you for keeping this job and sticking with it without getting fired!" said Lois. "When I grow up, I want to be a glowing mascot just like my Dad!" said Chris. "Oh, shucks! Really now! You all didn't have to do this!" said Peter. 

When the party was about to begin, a window breaks. Meg takes notice, "Dad, a window just broke....." Meg then was pushed out of the way by Quagmire who was armed with a gun. "NOBODY MOVE!!! FREEZE!!!" screamed Quagmire. Everyone is in a panicked uproar. Brian whispers to Stewie, "Maybe we've taken this too far." "Nonsense, it's fun to take things too far. Let's enjoy seeing Quagmire flip out!" whispered Stewie back. "Quagmire! What is this all about? I don't understand!" said Meg. "Everybody! Shut up! Even you, Meg!" screamed Quagmire. "Meg is right, we don't understand! Why do you have a gun and seem like you want to murder us?" asked Lois. "Why would you do this to me? Peter! Your best buddy and pal?" asked Peter. "Is this going to be like Cadillac Man?" asked a frightened Stewie. "Looks that way" said Brian. 

"Best buddy and pal my ass! Some best buddy and pal you are, Peter!" said Quagmire. Adam West says to Tom Tucker, "Not too long ago, Peter Griffin was holding us at gunpoint!" Tom Tucker responds, "We promised never to bring that up again!" "Sorry." Adam West said in a squeaky voice. "This is how it's all going to go down! I am going to hold you all hostage for 24 hours. Anyone tries to escape, gets shot!" advised Quagmire. "What the (beep) is going on here!" asked Peter. "I found out from an unreliable source that YOU Peter Griffin were having an affair with my girlfriend Patricia!" said Quagmire. "Oh no! Peter! Is that true? If it is, I really don't care anymore." said Lois. "No, absolutely not! She was here, only to look for a car. And she loved my glowingness...." Peter said when he was about to finish. "HA! That tells me all right there!" said Quagmire. "Whats supposed to happen in 24 hours?" asked Lois. "I have lots of explosives that will blow up this Used Car Lot Spiffy Cars to kingdom come!" hollered Quagmire. "I can amuse everybody by telling some jokes from black comedians." suggested Jerome. "Got some funny Marlin Johnson jokes you're all gonna love!" said Jerome again. 

"Out of curiousity, what explosives did you use?" asked Dr. Hartman who was also there as a party goer turned hostage. "M2 Plastiques! From Jersey!" said Quagmire. "Aaah, the good kind!" chuckled Dr. Hartman. "QUIET!!! SILENCE!!!! NOT GOING TO SAY THIS AGAIN, SHUT UP!" yelled Quagmire. Brian and Stewie snickered at Quagmire's insanity. "Are you all going to kill us inside? At least let me go! Promised a little boy I was going to be at his birthday party soon!" asked Herbert who too was there as a hostage. "YES! YOU BET I WILL! I'm going to enjoy seeing you all get killed in an explosion! Especially you, Brian and Stewie!" hinted Quagmire to them that he knew they were the ones who drove him up the wall. "Geez Peter! You Son of a bitch! (under her breath) Brian was right this whole time. (normal voice) Messed up again! Thought you had a good thing going with this Spiffy Cars Mascot thing, and yet you used your status to have affairs with other women?" asked an astonished Lois. "No! I didn't have an affair! I swear on the soul of 50 Cent!" said Peter. "Swearing on a dead black guy's soul? That's racist!" said Jerome. "I have proof! See!" said Quagmire as he shows Peter the pictures of him and Patricia that Brian took earlier. "What? Someone set me up!" said Peter. Lois looked at the pictures and now believes Peter has been set up. "These look like they've been printed out of Photoshop." said Lois. Brian and Stewie get nervous that someone will catch on that Brian took the pictures. "Ooooh, they're going to find out it's us! We'll be Quagmire's first victims!" said Stewie. 

"Think I know how we can prove Peter's innocence!" said Jerome. "NO!! We're not proving anything! You're all going to be good little hostages and cooperate! Or DIE!" shouted Quagmire. "Glenn, please! Let Jerome do this!" pleaded Lois. "You've never said no to me!" Quagmire didn't trust it. "Quagmire, please! Let me go into the room where the security cameras are, and if I prove Peter didn't have an affair with your girl, will you let us go?" asked Jerome. "All right, I'll allow it! But no funny business!" said Quagmire. "If he's proven innocent, I'll let you all go, if he's not, blow you all to Haiti!" 

Jerome went into the security camera room, Lois, Brian, and Stewie all followed him. Jerome rewinded the tapes to see Peter and Patricia. Jerome discovers and Peter was just showing Patricia the used cars that were on sale. Brian sneaks away to call Joe Swanson. "What a relief! I knew Peter wouldn't cheat on me! Thank you so much for this!" said Lois. "No problem! You are my former flame after all. Hopefully Quagmire will believe it, and let us all go home." said Jerome. Joe and the police arrived at Spiffy Cars. "Who called the cops!" asked Quagmire. "Just for that, you're all going to wait 24 hours! For your doom!" cackled Quagmire evilly. "We're in a total pickle! We're gonna be stuck here awhile. Anyone have a Snickers?" said Peter who was about to cry. "All right, Quagmire! Peter didn't have an affair with your girl! This security tape is will clear Peters' name." said Jerome, when he played the tape, Quagmire felt a little better, but still wanted to hold the place captive. "All right, perhaps I was a little paranoid! Still mad about it! Somebody made me that way when he showed me those pictures, and you're all going to die anyway! If I let you go, you'll all turn me in! Can't risk that! Didn't think you'd all get off that easy......did you?" asked Quagmire. 

 

* p>

 

22 hours have passed, everyone was waiting for their impending doom to blow up inside Spiffy Cars. Joe Swanson had been negotiating with Quagmire for that long. Cleveland was there, too. "Quagmire this is the police! Get all the hostages out now! We've been at this for 22 hours!" said Joe over a megaphone. "I can get through to Quagmire. Let me give it a shot." said Cleveland. Quagmire shot the megaphone which caused Cleveland to run away. "Never mind this, I'm gettin' the (beep) outta here!" 

"Quagmire, we aren't you freeing us? You promised you would. It was shown that I didn't mess around with your girlfriend. How can I? I'm still all blue and glowy! Look at me! I told her beforehand that I was married to Lois. And you STILL think I cheated on her?" said Peter. "Good thing you remembered you were married!" said Lois. "The reason I am holding you all hostage is because before this place blows up, I am going to reveal who the culprit is who showed me those pictures! The person is in this room! The person who showed me is going to be my first victim! Who knows? I might even do a bloody orgy on him!" screamed Quagmire. Brian was getting worried by the minute. "He also had an accomplice!" said Quagmire. Joe decides to use excessive force, "Let's break in! Use battering rams and guns! Move it!" ordered Joe to the police officers who were helping him. "The person who showed me the pictures is.......is........" before Quagmire can reveal it was Brian and Stewie, Joe breaks in the building and tackles Quagmire. His gun Quagmire was using to hold everyone hostage goes off and shoots Meg in the arm. "Get an ambulance!" ordered Joe. "Everyone you are all free to go!" said one of the cops who was helping Joe. "Everyone out!" An ambulance came within minutes. 

"What's going to happen to me, Joe?" asked Quagmire who was now saddened that his plan didn't work out. "Since you're my friend, I'll pull some strings and have to sent to a mental hospital." said Joe. "Guess it's better than prison." said Quagmire. Joe put Quagmire and Meg in an ambulance. Spiffy Cars blew up. "NNNNNOOOOOO!!! My business! My business! WHY? WHY???!!" screamed Connor as he saw his Used Car Lot in an explosion. Connor then takes out a gun and commits suicide. "So glad we're out of there! Maybe we can go to Carls Jr." said Chris. "Oh, Lois! I lost my job. Who am I going to be a glowing mascot for now?" asked Peter. "You will always be mine and our family mascot Peter." said Lois. "Guess it's back to Pawtucket Brewery for me. What a horrible day, held hostage, wrongfully accused....." said Peter. "You can work there in the meantime, but another opportunity will come up." assured Lois. "I love you" said Peter. "And I love you, even if you did lose a very good job. Nothing can ever change that." said Lois. "I hope Quagmire becomes roommates with your brother Patrick!" said Peter. 

Brian and Stewie ran far away from the chaos. "Good thing Joe intervened when he did or I would've been dead. I was the one who called the cops, by the way." said Brian. "Sure was fun to see the Fat Man squirm for what he did to my Laser Immunity Elixir!" laughed Stewie. "Just wanted to lay into Quagmire, didn't think he'd take it to such extremes to a point where he wanted to kill us all." said Brian. "If it makes you feel any better, Quagmire's in the nut house now! He'll have a Giggity of a good time there!" said Stewie. Brian and Stewie laugh as they walk back to Spooner Street. "Going to make any more inventions for future world domination, Stewie?" asked Brian. "Got a few up my sleeve." said Stewie. "Keep Peter away from them." advised Brian. "We'll do!" said Stewie.

Peter, Chris, and Lois were about to go home until they are approached by Bob from Bob's Funland. "We are looking for a mascot for my amusement park, Peter Griffin!" chirped Bob. "Really! I'll take it!" said Peter. "See, I told you another Mascot Job offer will turn up!" said Lois. "Did you see my Dad in those Spiffy Cars commercials?" asked Chris. "Yep, that's what inspired me! Come on, Peter!" said Bob. Quagmire was in the Quahog Mental Hospital for the next six months. Meg was okay from her gunshot wound and had to be in an arm sling.

Later on, Peter was still blue and glowing from the Laser Immunity Elixir, and was doing a commercial for Bob's Funland. Peter was singing again to the tune of James Brown's I Feel Good. "We have very cool rides! DE DE DE DE DE DE DE! Everything from coasters and slides! DE DE DE DE DE DE....." before Peter can finish singing, his blue glowingness wears and he's back to normal. "You're fired". Bob said. Peter looked at his skin that was now all normal and moaned in disgust. "Could be worse. At least in this episode, we didn't do any cutaways gaggs of Conway Twitty or Matthew Mcconaughey." said Peter to the screen as he walked away into the night. 

 

The End

 

The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production.


End file.
